Protect Yourself

From Antagonistic Abuse

Have you ever gone out with someone who seemed so into you? They ask endless questions about your life, stay up talking with you until 3 a.m., and seem to share all your interests. They text constantly, bring you gifts, and within weeks, you're seeing each other every day. They talk about the future, maybe even say “I love you” after just a few weeks.

Then, things shift.

They get jealous when you talk to others. They start isolating you—discouraging your friendships and taking up all your time, saying things like, “We need to be each other’s priority.”

You have a bad day at work, and they dismiss it: “Just quit. You don’t need them.” You feel drained, confused, not yourself. But they still want sex, and you agree—just to keep the peace.

Months in, they flirt with someone else in front of you. When you’re hurt, they blame you: “If you met my needs, I wouldn’t need anyone else.” You try to leave, but they cry, accuse you of never loving them, and you find yourself walking back inside to comfort them.

Dating

While we can’t promise total protection from antagonistic abuse, we can equip ourselves early and stack the odds in our favor.

1.      Educate yourself:

Begin watching manipulation videos on YouTube, read books and look up Narcissistic Abuse (It’s Not You by Dr. Ramani), Domestic Violence, and other like subjects online.  Read about codependency (Codependent No More by Melody Beattie).  

2.      Learn to Observe:

You have a lot at stake—your family, friends, children (if you have them; predators often target single parents), finances, and career. Is it really worth risking all of that because someone is rushing you into a relationship? Or because you got emotionally attached too quickly? Take your time. Watch how they behave over at least three months before getting too involved. People reveal who they are—if you're patient and observant. Do they respect your boundaries? Or do they push past them with guilt or charm? Do their actions match their words? Pay attention. It could save you more than you realize.

3.      Know them well BEFORE you sleep with them!

For many people, sex creates emotional attachment. And let’s be honest—no moment of passion is worth risking your safety or peace of mind. Take your time to truly observe the person. If they genuinely care about you and have good intentions, they’ll respect your boundaries and be willing to wait. If they pressure you, that’s a red flag—they’re not worth your time.

4.      Stay focused – Your life shouldn’t revolve around someone else.

Dating should be just one part of your already full life—not your whole world. Even in marriage, it’s healthy to have time for yourself, your friends, and your family. No one should be your “everything”—that’s not love, that’s codependency. You and your partner should both maintain your individual identities while building something meaningful together. A strong relationship doesn’t require losing yourself—it supports you in becoming even more of who you are.

5.      Build your self-esteem and self-respect –Someone who’s truly worth your time will value your confidence and authenticity. A healthy relationship feels peaceful and allows you to be your full self. In contrast, an antagonistic relationship often brings confusion and gradually chips away at your self-esteem and self-respect. Emotionally healthy people are drawn to others who also value themselves. So focus on becoming the kind of person you’d want to be with.

Latham, S.

If you have struggles in any of these areas – invest in yourself before you start dating.  Get the help of a therapist to help you explore where you are struggling and why and find healthier ways to manage relationships in your life.

Since 2019, nearly four women have been murdered every day as a result of intimate partner violence (Wisniewska, 2024). When examining criminal behavior, it's crucial to consider the role of victimology in understanding these patterns. 

Victimology is not about blaming victims—it’s about understanding the dynamics that contribute to victimization. By recognizing the factors that may put someone at risk, we can work toward prevention and safety. Understanding how and why someone may have become a victim can empower individuals to strengthen their protective factors, especially against intimate partner violence.

Brotto, Petherick, and Sinnamon (2017) explored 24 variables related to motivation and personality traits to examine the usefulness of victim typologies. While their research is far more in-depth than what I'm presenting here, I’ve highlighted a few key traits to help individuals who want to better understand themselves and work toward personal growth. 

Some of the traits of persons who are more susceptible to becoming a victim include (but are not limited to):

·       Low self-esteem

·       Feelings of inadequacy

·       Poor self-efficacy

·       High in fear of rejection and abandonment

·       Feelings of failure

·       High need for reassurance

·       Anger (a great deal of rage towards a specific person, group, institution, or a symbol of one of these)

·       Pervasive anger

·       Masochistic or sadistic (hypoxyphilia is mentioned here)

·       Lacking financial resources

·       Fear of failure

·       Submissiveness

Key Takeaways

Antagonistic abuse doesn't always begin with violence—it often starts with charm, intensity, and the illusion of connection. But as the relationship progresses, patterns of control, manipulation, and emotional harm begin to surface. The more we understand how these dynamics unfold, the better equipped we are to protect ourselves and others.

Awareness is the first step. By learning about victimology, recognizing early red flags, and working on our own emotional health, we can reduce the risk of being pulled into harmful relationships. No one is immune, but everyone can take steps to build stronger boundaries, healthier relationships, and a deeper sense of self-worth.

Your life is valuable. You are worthy of respect, safety, and peace. Take the time to know yourself and the people you let into your world. If you’re struggling, reaching out for support is not weakness—it’s wisdom.

Protect yourself, invest in yourself, and remember: real love never costs you your identity, your peace, or your safety.

Reference

Brotto, G. L. M., Sinnamon, G., & Petherick, W. (2017). Victimology and predicting victims of personal violence. The Psychology of Criminal and Antisocial Behavior, 79–144. https://doi.org/10.1016/b978-0-12-809287-3.00003-1

Wisniewska, M.J.(2024, October 7).  Domestic Violence Statistics 2024.  Retrieved from https://www.breakthecycle.org/domestic-violence-statistics/?fbclid=IwY2xjawKVCk9leHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHmbn1U1A7zEEm0IvGnJ2ip-JMWER0FqGK7UZZQt6hE7gJt9c5Ip_oeQG7GhM_aem_Kol6nXHMP7_QajPnMN3GzQ